elf trucker

2022-03-08

My mom was in the hospital, up on one of the top floors, but I wasn’t allowed to go in and see her because I was an elf, and people are racist.

So I just walked around in circles in the parking lot, stomping my feet to stay warm in the cold. I kept my hood up, and my hands in my pockets, which helped because it was cold, and which also helped hide the fact that I was an elf, because the two easiest ways to spot an elf are their long floppy ears, and their arms, which don’t have hands, but which are extra long and taper off into thin noodely appendages.

Elves are still extremely dexterous despite not having hands. They just wrap their little spaghetti noodle arms around things like how an elephant can pick up a small branch.

I walked to the back of the parking lot where my truck was to sit inside and warm up a little bit, but there were some ruffians who were shouting at passersby and being a nuisance.

I guess I tripped or something, because my hood fell back and I took my hands out of my pockets to steady myself, and the ruffians saw me and were like, “Ew, an elf! Get ’em!” and they decided to do a hate crime.

I grabbed a branch and quickly whittled it down to the size of a small wooden baton, which is the traditional weapon of the elves, and then kind of helicoptered my long noodle arms around and cracked the ruffians in the head whenever they got too close. You can really get that thing spinning fast when you don’t have any wrist bones.

Eventually they realized they were getting their asses kicked and left, and I too walked away because I didn’t want any trouble.

Later when I came back to get to my truck, there were a bunch of cops investigating the scene of a disturbance. When they saw me, they called me over and started questioning me, and eventually demanded to see my hands. I slowly pulled them out and they jumped forward to grab me.